The VERY special ✨...
Super duper 💪
Neon effervescent 🌈...
Big, giant, fantastic pre-order package 📦 is now *OPEN* for my new book—
—HOUSE SH*T FOR MORTALS—
—with a never-seen-before twist! 🌪️
I could have just opened pre-orders for the book . . . and been boring about it. 😲
I could have just offered some kind of meh, scalable pre-order bonus. . . like is standard.
I could have just showed up with the energy of a corrugated cardboard box . . . (you know the kind).
I could have just done things the traditional way . . . like most people expect.
But, do you know who we are, around here? You, me, us???
WE ARE NOT THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE.
Nuh uh, Reader.
We are not "it's fine" people.
We are not "good enough" people.
We are not "phone-it-in" people.
We're the proud, wildchild creative assassins.
The ones who rewrite the same sentence eleven times because the twelfth one is true.
The ones who walk into a room and immediately see what it could be.
The ones who build things from nothing—businesses, brands, bodies of work, lives—and make them mean something.
The ones who care deeply about how things look, feel, and land.
The ones who obsess over the right word, the right color, the right detail—because we know that details are never just details, they're *everything*.
The ones who pour all that they have into what they put out into the world.
These are all decisions.
And decisions are who we are.
So my decision today?
Is a little different.
I didn't just write a book.
I'm building a universe.
Introducing:
The House Sh*t for Mortals Ride-or-Die Pre-Order Package
(Only 300 Available!)
For ~the ones who get it~.
It's a special offer. A special package. A collectible item. For a limited time. To get you involved in this project in a fresh, fun, new way.
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?
Pre-order the Ride-or-Die Package now and get:
July: The IRL Surprise Box, Delivered to Your Doorstep
THE HOUSE SH*T FOR MORTALS 🎉 SURPRISE BOX 🎉 — ships July 1st, 2026 (or sooner, first come, first serve!) (International orders accepted ✅)
A special box just for YOU that I'm packing by hand, from my farmhouse to yours, containing:
- A hand-painted piece of artwork, painted by me, with a set of my favorite cheeky lines from the book. An original. One of a kind. Yours. 12". (And a surprise!)
- One-to-two house products, tools, or useful things I am genuinely, embarrassingly obsessed with. The kind of thing I buy for everyone I love and then evangelize about at dinner.
- Something beautifully decorative that lives in my house and that I think should live in yours. (Promise no nuuuuude miniature statues, but maybe???)
- A curated wallpaper + paint sample I'm dying over, for inspo for your next room (or to frame!)
- An unexpected artifact from the farmhouse. A check from the local diner. A deer antler I found. A Polaroid from a dive bar. Old nails from the 1800s from the farmhouse renovation. Some flowers I pressed into a card and wrote dirty things around. Not knowing what you're getting is part of the fun.
- A handwritten note from me. Not typed. Not printed. Written. To you. On parchment. With ink.
Loving??? Yes?????
CARRY ON.
September: The Book, Delivered to Your Doorstep
THE HOUSE SH*T FOR MORTALS 🎉 OFFICIAL BOOK 🎉 — ships September 1st, 2026
A physical, signed copy of House Sh*t for Mortals ships to your door—with your name printed inside as a VIP.
You will also receive access to the digital eBook version, as well as the audiobook version, on the same day. It's done, it's real. You'll get it before anyone else. And I hope your neighbor is MAD IMPRESSED when they see this bad boy on your coffee table.
Uh huh.
Yeah.
December: The App, With Forever Access Just for You
THE HOUSE SH*T FOR MORTALS 🎉 LIFETIME ACCESS TO THE NEW APP + PLATFORM 🎉 — drops December 1st, 2026
This is the app I've spent 3 years wishing existed.
It's your house's brain, storing every paint color, every wallpaper print, every purchase, every contractor, every document, every warranty, every valuable item you own with its serial number and photo, so if something is ever stolen or lost in a fire, you're not trying to remember what you had.
It builds a full financial history of your home—every dollar in, every dollar of value added—with a running ROI on each project. (The kitchen remodel cost $18K and added approximately $24K in value, boo-yah.) It offers suggestions on how to up your property value with small, manageable improvements. It gives advice on which paint colors to use based on the map of your home and what the light is like in each space. It tells you, "do this, not that." It's your new house BFF.
It also knows your zip code, your seasons, your garden, your trash night, your carbon monoxide alarms, your replacement filters, your maintenance logs, and tells you everything you need to be doing, when. ("Hey gorgeous, before you go crush that bottle of wine, go outside and pop a few tulip bulbs into the ground. They go in during the fall, and here's exactly how to do it without feeling like a dunce.)
And, every year it sends you a beautiful report of everything you did, and everything you gained: "You've been in this house three years and added $47,000 in value." You don't just have receipts. You have a number, a story, and leverage.
And you get lifetime access for free. Forever.
All three. Just $299. One pre-order. Right here >>>
It goes away in 7 days, not as a fake countdown, but because I have to actually make these boxes by hand and I need to know how many to make. 💛 (Will document process and share!)
I'd LOVE to make one for you and send to your home.
And, I'd love for you to be a part of this world.
If you're as tickled as I am, go here now to claim 1 of 300 boxes I'm making:
Thanks for supporting art.
And, thanks for supporting mine.
Love,
Ash
P.S. Hey, by the way! Because you were a Founding Member of my Substack, you're already getting the physical, digital, and audiobook version of this book sent to your house for FREE. 🆓 🎉 If you'd like to upgrade to the full ride-or-die package? (And get the special box and lifetime access to the app?) You can do so for just $199 using this secret checkout with coupon code FOUNDINGMEMBER.)
